The Face of Death Itself chp 5

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Merlin didn't know exactly where he was going. He had spent the night curled inward on the top of the hill, rain pouring down mercilessly. In the morning, he just walked through the woods, steering clear of roads and paths in order to avoid human contact. They were his problems and he wanted to deal with them alone, he didn't want to burden anyone else. Each step brought him deeper into the greenery, shrouded in the thick fog of morning. Thoughts filled his head, dark thoughts. Thoughts of friends and foes, love and hate, good and evil. What's the difference anymore? Merlin shook his head bitterly. These are all the same, and always will be. Merlin's frantic thoughts turned to Morgana, how they had been friends, then foes. It had happened again. He and Arthur were foes now, Arthur would not hesitate to run Merlin through, some might say that was a big difference from chucking hard objects at one's servant.

Eventually his feet stopped, his eyes really seeing for the first time that day. The lake of Avalon glistened in the clouded light of sunset. Seeing the mystic water shifting ever so slightly in the still air sent shivers up Merlin's spine. He hadn't been at this location since retrieving the sword forged in the dragon's breath. He let out a long, mournful sigh. Freya, his only love had died mere paces from where he stood. That was a memory he always and never wanted to forget.

Merlin, a whisper so light it could've been a gentle wind reached his ears. Almost unconsciously his legs brought him to the shore and into the water. It was cold but he barely felt it as mist arose and curled around his finger tips. He lifted his eyes up to see the most beautiful sight he had ever seen. Freya, almost one with the water, flowed towards him and enveloped him in her arms. He could sense her, feel the chill and warmth simultaneously, but he could not feel her.

"Ive missed you," she said softly against his chest. His heart ached for her loss once more.

"I've missed you, too."

She looked out across the forest with a smile until she met his sad eyes, "You are distraught, my love?" Her head cocked in concern. He was distraught? That sounds about right, Merlin thought with bitterness. All was lost, his destiny, his friendship. Ruined. He wanted desperately to blame anyone, but he could not deny his own fault. From his throat a harsh sound erupted, Merlin didn't know whether it was a laugh or a sob.
"You could say that. But I didn't come here to complain. I was hoping to see you," That was partially true, he always wanted to see her, he just wasn't sure why his feet took him to the lake. To seek comfort? Companionship? He didn't know.

"And you have, Merlin. But what will you do now?" Her eyes saddened at the dismay in his face. It was a hard question, what now? One he had hoped she could tell him, give him some new purpose, new destiny since he had failed his last.

"Freya, I don't know. I can't go back to Camelot, Arthur would kill me," his heart ached at his words, despite the truth he knew that rung from them.

Freya looked away, "This may not be as hopeless as it seems."

Overcome with despair, Merlin embraced her nearly existent form, burying his face in her hair, "No, I can never return. Arthur will never forgive me. They way he looked at me...it was as if I was a different person. And I can't return to Ealdor, I have past the point where that was my home...I- I don't know what to do," he felt tears well in his eyes once more, but he refused to let them fall in front of her.

Freya leaned back, stroking his cheeks with his fingers. With a fluid movement, her lips were pressed against his. Again, Merlin could not physically feel her, but he felt the warmth of her kiss in his heart. He cradled her face in his palms, lovingly swaying in their embrace.

After what seemed like an eternity, they broke apart. She smiled wide, her spirit-like eyes glinting like stars, "You are not alone."

Merlin sighed at her gaze. He had never felt more alone in his life, he was sure she knew this. I don't know what you mean, he thought, not bothering to speak the words aloud.

"Even now, your prince regrets his decision in sending you away," Freya said smoothly, laughing a little.

Merlin was taken aback by her words, still amazed at the wisdom she always seemed to hold, "How can you be sure?"

She turned her head deliberately towards to woods, keeping her focus on a specific cluster of trees. Merlin squinted, unable to see what she seemed to see. Suddenly, Arthur strode from the shadows. Merlin didn't understand. Had Arthur come to finish the job? He eyed the sword at Arthur's belt. Probably. He walked out of the water, trying to ignore the cold of the freezing water. He stepped onto dry ground, warily approaching the prince, eyes never leaving the deadly sword. Feeling like a dozen meters was far enough, Merlin stopped, nervous but expectant.

"Hello, Merlin," Arthur said earnestly as he walked towards the boy.

"Hello, Arthur," he replied, trying to keep his voice even. What was he doing here? Merlin asked in his head. Again, his death played at an option. Anger swept over him. If Arthur was really there to kill him Merlin decided he didn't want to put up with that.

"Why are you here? To finish the job?" Arthur flinched at his words, but quickly recovered.

"Well, don't think it hasn't crossed my mind," It was Merlin's turn to flinch now, he felt his heart wrench as he took a shaky step back towards the lake.

Arthur realised his mistake, "But I'm not going to, you know I wouldn't."

Merlin just stared. Arthur was wrong, he didn't know. Merlin stood ready to bolt if Arthur's calm broke.

Arthur sighed, rubbing his hand over his face. Shame evident on his face, "Merlin, I..." Arthur trailed off, glancing at the lake behind Merlin. He nodded, "I'm sorry. For everything."

"Why?" Merlin asked. He didn't even know why he asked it.  The question just sputtered out of his mouth.

Arthur was caught by surprise as well, "Why?"

Merlin gave a curt nod, "Why are you sorry? Because you realised you were wrong? That Uther's wrong? Or did you come to ease your own guilt of turning away someone who's been completely loyal to you, no matter what."

Arthur shifted his weight, obviously uncomfortable. Merlin watched this with scrutiny, anger he didn't know he had bubbling inside of him. What was he doing here? Merlin thought again, a glare fixed on the prince.

A step forward from Arthur was reciprocated by a step back from Merlin, "I thought I could trust you!" Merlin burst out, "I thought you'd understand."

Merlin looked towards the ground, his face contorted with hurt and betrayal as his voice cracked, "But- but it seems I was wrong about you. You're not the friend I thought you were."

Arthur's looked as if he'd been punched in the gut. His hands twisted together in agitation, taking a deep breath, "I was wrong, Merlin. I was so wrong."

Merlin's eyes flitted across to Arthur's face, then back to the ground.

"You are not evil, as I had believed all magical beings were. I... I can't tell you... can't begin to describe... how sorry I am," Merlin listened to Arthur struggle for the words, his lip trembling.

Unable to contain his tears, Merlin turned his back on Arthur. It was too much. First, Morgana's death, then Arthur's spurning, now this. Why had he come here? The question wouldn't leave Merlin's mind. He wanted to believe that someday magic would return and its holders would not be despised. Merlin could hear Arthur shift his weight behind him, how tears made him uncomfortable. Why doesn't he just run me through now? While my back is turned.

But he said he was sorry. Arthur never apologises, especially to his idiot servant. It just wasn't done. What did it mean?

"Merlin, come home." Arthur pleaded, his voice kept low and steady as he tried to keep it from breaking.

Acceptance. Arthur was accepting him for who he was. He could scarcely believe it. That knowledge was more than Merlin could ever hope for, dream of. The day had finally come. He failed in trying to keep his body from shaking with his silent sobs.

Arthur placed his hand on Merlin's shoulder, "Merlin?" He asked in concern. Merlin quickly wiped his face and turned towards Arthur. The prince looked uncomfortable at Merlin's tears, but said nothing, just gripped his servant's shoulder. Overcome with joy, Merlin embraced his friend. Arthur reluctantly returned it, giving Merlin a manly thump on the back.

"You don't know how long I've waited for you to say that," Merlin said as he took a step back.

"Say what, exactly?"

Merlin grinned, face still moist from his joyful tears, "That I'm not evil."

"Yeah," Arthur smiled at his servant, his friend. "So, are you ready to come home?"

Merlin nodded, then glanced back towards the lake where its Lady still stood, "Yes, but just a moment."

Walking to the water again, he took Freya's hands in his, "I don't want to leave you again," He said sadly, knowing there was no other option.

"You must. You and Arthur will bring about a new age. Peace and unity with come through your pure hearts," She smiled as she released his hands.

"Wait!" He struggle to hold his grasp, but it was as if she were made of mist. "Will I ever see you again?"

"Merlin, I promised I would repay you. I intend on keeping that promise until they day you join me in Avalon."

Touched, Merlin looked down, "Thank you," He whispered quietly.

Freya touched her lips to his forehead, "Go now, my love. Do not keep Albion waiting."

Merlin nodded, giving her on last look of love and regret. He then turned and trudged from the lake back to where Arthur stood.

"Are you ready now?" Arthur asked, a touch of playful annoyance colouring his voice.

Merlin smiled, "Yeah, I am. You?"

"Yeah."

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After a couple hours Gwaine decided he quite enjoyed the dungeons. It had felt good to hit Arthur for being an ass to Merlin. He felt justice had been served.

Then there was the question of what to do for entertainment. The was, in fact, no tavern in the dungeons -a detail the knight intended on bringing up to prince when things calmed down- but the issue was a "now" situation.

About an hour into his prison experience, Gwaine realised he was not alone in his cage. A fat rat scuttled across the floor at his feet. Most people would be outraged, disgusted, but Gwaine laughed.

"You stuck in here too?" He asked the furry rodent. "Did the princess put you in here? What'd you do? Bite is royal little finger?" The rat squeaked, skittering through the straw.

Gwaine sat beside it, pondering, "I suppose you have a name, then?"

Squeak!

"You seem like a Leroy to me. Alright, Leroy. Wanna have some fun?"

Squeak!

Gwaine found himself rather amused by scaring people as they walked by the little window the was above the cell. Leroy did most of the work, skittering out as Gwaine lifted him up through the bars. Unfortunately, Leroy was not as well trained as Gwaine had hoped. Once he had released Leroy to the cobbled street above, the rat ignored any demand for return and disappeared in the direction of the market.

"Well, Leroy! I'll make sure they sound the warning bells! And don't let me see you around here again or I'll have Merlin make you in to stew!"

"Gwaine?" An amused voice held a laugh in. Gwaine turned to see Merlin snickering at him and Arthur smirking as he unlocked the cell.

"Who are you talking to?"

"Leroy the rat. Oh and Merlin, that's one rat that really not worth the stew. I don't care if the whole of Camelot is starving, that rat is tricky."

Arthur exchanged a look with Merlin, "Merlin, I think he's more drunk when he's sober."

"You probably right, there."

Gwaine clapped, "Excellent! Well there's only one way to fix that. To the tavern!"

"After you," Merlin said following his insane friend to the lower town, prince in tow.

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A/N: Any last thoughts? Leave a comment s'il vous plaît